CONGRATULATIONS AND GOOD LUCK

(this was written in March of 2007 when the principal of my kids' school had a baby girl)

Dear Mr. C:

While I would never presume to give parenting advice to a new parent (especially since you know my children), I am amply qualified to give you some insights about what you've got to look forward to now that you have been blessed with a daughter.

It's been my experience that there is some sort of collective ignorance that occurs when males are together. For instance, two males of average intelligence, when together, have a combined IQ equal to that of a gnat. And a gnat that would go to school (if he went to school) on the short bus, if you get my drift. The more males in a group, the lower the collective IQ. This explains golf, Nascar and the Yenny house.

The reverse happens when women are together. So if you have two females of average intelligence together, they have an IQ of ... well, I don't know what. But trust me, it's WAY more than yours.

Put more simply, Mr. C, in your house it's now two against one. Check your ego at the nursery door and surrender now.

Next, accept a sort of constant state of looming bankruptcy. Everything is cuter in pink and its purchase will be hard to resist. But soon, it will be your daughter that will be impossible to resist when she wants something. It will start small, a Barbie here, a Barbie there. Then you realize you have more Barbies than relatives and they're EVERYWHERE. They are under the bed, floating in the bathtub, staring at you from across the room, lying on the floor when you are walking barefoot in the middle of the night.

Before you know it you're recharging the battery on a pink Powerwheel. And the Powerwheel is newer and more reliable than the car you are driving.

Your daughter will have the most fashionable wardrobe in the house, with accessories for every outfit. When she wants a Ford Mustang you will be nostalgic for the days when all she wanted was a pony.

The average man can give an accurate list of every shoe he has ever owned. The average woman can't list shoes that are currently in her closet. And guess what? She STILL doesn't have any to wear to the dance on Saturday night. And she has to go to the mall RIGHT NOW.

But it is all a small price to pay. You are now some one's hero and all you have to do is come home from work every day and provide occasional taxi service to the mall. You will be a genius for remembering 1st grade math. You'll be the go-to guy to put the training wheels on the bike and then again to take them off. She'll laugh at your jokes and insist to your wife you're a good driver.

(But save your energy because someday there will be science projects that your daughter will need help with and that will be your chance to be your wife's hero.)

And the good news is females are not the most scary creatures on earth. The bad news is the most scary creature on earth is the adolescent male that your daughter will someday insist she is old enough to go to the dance with.