Saturday, March 29, 2008

OH SCIENCE, OH JOY

(written in the Spring of 2007)

As the parents of four past and present Holy Angels students, JY and I are hardened veterans of about 17 science projects. Some of the more memorable:

Phosphorescence in nature (Jonathon and Dean had some glow-in-the-dark pens they were dying to use. And use them they did. Ever seen a glow-in-the-dark Labrador? Trust me, you don't want to.)

The effects of various music genres on plants. (The plant survived five weeks of Rage Against the Machine, but mom was definitely feeling ill effects. And mom didn't care that the plant listening to Rage grew at the same rate as the one listening to Bach; not everything can be explained by the scientific method.)

How to slow down the rotting process in meat. (You can only imagine the cooking adventures during THAT couple of weeks. Sadly, I don't remember any special purchases made; I think we had everything on hand.)

Why do cats land on their feet? (Thankfully, no actual cats were used during this experiment, because I can almost guarantee they would have been harmed. As I remember, after weeks of research, the conclusion was that cats land on their feet because they have four feet and no hands.)

So, this year JY entered the Science Project arena with nerves of steel. On Saturday I was distracted by the demands of high school admission by one child and college admission by another and had no choice but to delegate to JY the supervision of Sam and his project: How To Get Electricity from a Citrus Fruit.

On a side note: Do any of us really care how to get electricity from a citrus fruit? My ideas for a project this year were: How do you get cash from a turnip? Why does the day from 8:00 am to 3:00 am last about 15 minutes? How do you cancel Internet service from a provider you haven't used in years? Why do two matching socks go in the hamper and only one come out of the dryer? Is there some ancient sock graveyard somewhere? If global warming is such a threat, why was my heating bill $250 last month? What kind of database does Blockbuster have that they can track me down when I am one hour late returning a movie?

So I abandoned the home to JY and Sam on Saturday with the specific instruction to KNOCK IT OUT. Sam doesn't lack many things; in fact, he has an abundance of most qualities. Focus, however, is usually in short supply.

They were left with a computer with enough RAM to put man on the moon, a high-speed Internet connection, a past-due library book, thousands of dollar's worth of colored pens, five oranges now worth about $10 each, copper wife, glue, tape and the most important item: three-fold board.

Hours later I returned to the home to find the entire family, including the dog, sprawled on the couch watching a past-due rented copy of Mary Shelley's Frankenstein (the good one with Robert DeNiro and Kenneth Branagh).

There was an impressive amount of paper scraps and mess in the dining room and an almost-blank three-fold board with the word "citrus" misspelled.

Now, on one hand, since electricity was involved I was relieved the house was still standing. Still, I demanded an explanation on the lack of progress.

The only explanation given was that "one man's inspiration is another man's distraction". It seemed that JY thought that since Sam was lacking interest in citrus fruit and electricity, maybe the movie Frankenstein, with its theme of bringing the dead back to life using electricity would inspire him.

In reality, I think they are all more afraid of Blockbuster than they are of me. Oh, joy.

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