WHAT I LEARNED ON MY SUMMER VACATION

(written September 2005)

For the first time in 20 years, this past summer I found myself vacationing in a time zone which was behind California. In other words, someone stole three hours sleep from me, and I want it back. This means that the somewhat reasonable hour of 8:00 am was, in fact, 5:00 in Hawaii. Now, if I have to be awake at 5:00 am I'm glad it was Hawaii, but regardless it was not a pleasant experience.

By the way: sunrise is highly overrated. I'll trade it for sunset any day of the week.

John Yenny is a natural-born morning person. I have only been grateful for this four times: Each of my children chose an early morning warning for arrival. Please don't misunderstand that their actual arrival occurred anywhere near the early morning warning; I may have mentioned previously the combined hours spent in labor of 297 hours.

Barring labor, experience and self-preservation has taught John Yenny that the best way to handle his early morning wake up is to quietly remove himself from the premises. According to him, his mornings in Hawaii were spent swimming in the ocean and catching "beach peaks". Since his early morning countenance is far too cheerful, I took his word for it and at no point attempted to join him.

My siblings, with whom I was traveling, can be made grumpy just by the knowledge that they are awake when it is 5:00 am in ANY time zone, let alone the one they find themselves in.

So I found myself awake every morning between 5:00 and 5:30 with zombie siblings and an absent husband and children who can reset their body clock within two hours of arrival and sleep until 10:00 am. There was nothing to do but go for a run on the beach, which sounds a lot more romantic than it was. It was, in fact, terrifying.

For the first time in my life I was rubbing elbows with a sector of society whose existence had been long rumored, but I had never witnessed: Those who get up early in the morning WHEN THEY DON'T HAVE TO. I am referring to the people who greeted me each morning with a sunny "aloha". Those who acknowledged my presence with a frown and barely perceptible nod were obviously in the same situation as myself and were victims of jet lag. Their presence on the beach was therefore excused.

To those of you who are a member of this early morning cabal (you know who you are) I have some advice:

If you wait until 6:00 am, the coffee shop will actually be open when you arrive and you don't have to loiter outside looking like a homeless person. Now, as a caffeine addict myself I sympathize, but appearances do matter. If you've still got mattress hair, find a drive-through.

The morning newspaper was printed hours ago. The newspaper you buy at 6:00 am will be the same at 8:00 am.

If you actually wait until 8:00 am you can start your car without waking everyone up and you don't have to walk to get your paper and coffee dressed in a strange combination of pajamas and bathing suit.

Fishing in the morning might be productive (or so you claim; I find it hard to believe that the fish know what time it is), but the "no overhead cast" rule still applies. It was tough enough to put one foot in front of the other without having to dodge fishing hooks. And please, if you catch something, be decent and cover it up. I don't even want to see my family that early; I certainly don't want to see a fish flopping around underfoot yelling "help me" in fish language.

And to the old lady I passed every morning with long, wet, gray hair, fins in one hand and snorkel and mask in the other: I want to be you when I grow up.