ESSENTIALS FOR THE ROAD LESS TRAVELLED

(This was written in March 2000 after a friend and I went on what turned out to be a 12-hour hike. I insist we were simply "late"; those involved in the search and rescue insist we were "lost" and eventually "rescued".)

1) The first essential must be addressed long before (possibly years) you strap on your shoes. Make sure you marry someone who is: a) so confident in your abilities that he refrains from panic; and b) has a creative vocabulary; ie substituting the word "adventuresome" for "stupid" and "determined" for "stubborn".

2) Also important before any endeavor: pick your neighborhood wisely. A neighbor willing to instruct police on trails and roads and strap on a water bag and flashlight on a moment's notice is beyond description in its value.

3) It is essential to one's peace of mind that another neighbor is willing to man phone calls, mind babies and send the appropriate prayer skyward. Knowing that you are cared for comes with the responsibility of not needlessly worrying said neighbor, so read your map carefully.

4) The importance of one's running mate is the most important issue when dealing with the quality of the experience. Try to run with someone who never reminds you that the harebrained "shortcut" that cost you two hours was your idea. Also make sure your partner has had either a very interesting life or has the ability to make the recounting of a boring life somewhat entertaining. Sure, the scenery is beautiful, but there is nothing like a fine partner to pass the time.

5) Try your adventures only in towns that have a low crime rate. That way when you apologize to the police for causing so much trouble, they thank you for breaking the monotony. They may very well have said that just to make us feel better, in which case I say "Thank you, you did, indeed, make us feel better."

6) Make sure that all items taken with you are treated as community property,. Such things as water, knee braces, aspirin and good cheer are to be shared without hesitation.

7) Do not choose the date for your adventure on the same day you have dinner plans with friends. And if you do have dinner plans, make sure it is not with: a) people you are planning to know for the rest of your life; and / or b) people that will take every opportunity for the rest of your life to remind you of dinner reservations missed, worry caused and the goofiness of some ideas.

8) If the end of the trail is in sight and you accept a ride from the police that were looking for you, you will be forever described as having been "rescued". Take my word for it: limp those last 100 yards if you have to.