(events of the 1999 Clark Brothers Tournament, following is an email addressed to JY)
To All:
The CBI Executive Subcommittee on Conduct, the same watchdog organization that issued the Holliganism warming at Poppy Ridge in 1998, has formally requested a review of the behavior of JY during the recently concluded tournament at Anaheim Hills. The Executive Subcommittee is recommending disciplinary action be levied against Mr. Y. The following are the list of charges brought against Mr. Y. All events occurred during or immediately after the event on August 21st.
1) Disparaging Remarks Against a Selected Tournament Venue
It was reported that while on the 15th tee box, the highest point on the course, Mr. Y walked to the front edge of the box, and with arms spread wide proclaimed loudly, "This course is my bitch!"
2) Disparaging Remarks Against a Tournament Participant
It was reported that after the round, while waiting for the other groups to finish, Mr. Y engaged in abusive and foul language against Mr. Wheelock, his partner during the round. While many close to Messrs. Y and W realize this type of discourse is common, other unknowing tournament participants were visibly offended by many of his comments to the degree that they were reported to the tournament executive subcommittee.
3) Excessive Loud Cursing
It was reported that after the round whilst waiting for the other groups to finish, Mr. Y engaged in repetitive, extremely loud cursing. While the tournament does not look down on cursing in the proper amount and fashion, Mr. Y went well beyond the appropriate level.
4) Vomiting During the Awards Ceremony
It was reported and the results later seen, that during the awards ceremony Mr. Y, with a total lack of regard to the visibility of his actions, regurgitated on the patio immediately outside the banquet room. This action was done in plain view and to the disgust of many tournament participants. This sudden retching spew was obviously the result of over four hours of abusive, heavy drinking. While the tournament does not discourage the consumption of alcoholic beverages, it is considered proper form to be able to control yourself and the amount you consume. Mr. Y obviously showed no regard to this, and showed a considerable amount of disrespect to the tournament as well as the facility by not removing himself to the appropriate area to relieve himself of his bodily toxins.
I would appreciate it if Mr. Y would care to respond to his version of these charges, after which the tournament Directors will vote on the necessary disciplinary action needed, if any. If Mr. Y elects to seek legal counsel, then he may designate another individual to submit his plea for him.
Mr. Y has 7 days to respond, after which time if no response is received he is determined to be guilty and the Directors will then place their votes. Disciplinary action can range from Tournament Censure in the mailer to suspension from future events.
Regretfully,
C Clark
Chairman
Clark Brothers Tournament Golf
And Mr. Y's response, dated 8-31-1999
To all:
I apologize for the delay in my response to the outrageous charges directed towards me, but I have been struggling with extreme depression and have had difficulty coping with the shock of your accusations. These charges are an egregious miscarriage of justice and have compelled me to seek both legal and psychological counseling.
At this time I feel it is appropriate to address each of your spurious charges point by point:
1) Disparaging Remarks Against a Selected Tournament Venue
Okay, so I said it. But I don't feel this was a particularly disparaging comment. It was a beautiful course, in great shape, but by this point in the tournament it was obvious that our team was having its way with Anaheim Hills. She wanted it bad and we gave it to her.
2) Disparaging Remarks Against a Tournament Participant
This is ridiculous. Anyone who has ever been associated with Perry W can certainly appreciate the fact that there are no remarks disparaging enough to reflect his complete lack of both moral character and personal hygiene. All remarks made by me regarding Mr. W were both accurate and insightful. The only participants that could have been offended by the start frankness of my observations could be those limp-wristed puffs from up north (near the GAY BAY).
3) Excessive Loud Cursing
At no point during this period of the tournament did anyone approach me with complaints regarding either my behavior or my vocabulary. I do admit that I may have been more enthusiastic in my commentary than other participants but this stems from the fact that I was a CHAMPION; they were all LOSERS.
4) Vomiting During the Awards Ceremony
I have been advised by my attorneys (Mr. M Young, esq and Mr. F Gleason, CHAMPION), that I must refrain from discussing the details relating to this charge as this is an area where we feel litigation is the only remedy.
I was obviously the victim of food poisoning.
Toxicological tests have conclusively determined that the sandwich I ate at the tournament was made with contaminated mayonnaise. It was ironically only by virtue of great intestinal fortitude that I was able to suppress my urge to spew until after the competition. The sight of whatever that was being served for dinner was more than my ravaged constitution could stand and I had to remove myself from the immediate dining area and evacuate my system. I admit that Emily Post no doubt frowns on such visible displays but it was an emergency born of necessity.
The most heinous and malicious of your charges are those that imply I may have been involved in excessive drinking. All alcohol that my teammates and I imbibed were administered strictly out of a sense of fair play. It was obvious from our first tee shots that we were about to completely outclass the field. Although I am by nature a tee-totaler, I felt that it was important to allow the rest of the champion-wanna-be's to feel that they were in the running.
It is incredibly painful to have my gallant effort to level the playing field described as "over four hours of abusive, heavy drinking". The spectacular display of golfmanship by teammates and I, even though impaired, is the stuff of legend.
So you can boot me out of your tournament, you can slander and defame me until the cows come home, but you will never break me.
Because I will always know that on that sunny, wind-swept day in August 1999, I and three of the game's finest stood together against all odds and emerged CHAMPIONS.
Defiantly, unrepently, yours,
JEY
CBI 1999 CHAMPION
p.s. Bite my a**!
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5 comments:
NOTICE FROM THE LAW FIRM OF MOLLES AND MOLLES, ESQ.
Although late to the game (but still within the statute of limitations), our firm has offered to represent Mr. Yenny against these outrageous charges. Many of you may remember that our firm won over $400,000 for the old woman who spilled coffee on her lap at McDonalds. Our FINEST HOUR!
If we can get 400 large in that case, just think how much we can recover for Mr. Yenny in this case.
Our first line of defense is the multitude of witnesses we will present that will claim, under oath, that they have never seen Mr. Yenny imbibe before. He has been known on many occasions to actually turn down a drink, saying, "No thank you. I never have more that one beer."
We will also be suing the golf course, the tournament itself, the other players, the mayonnaise manufacturer, the restaurant that prepared the sandwich, the bread wholesaler, the chef and all waiters and waitresses, the groundskeeper, the golf pro and all spectators in attendance.
We expect a seven figure settlement for the damage done to Mr. Yenny's fine reputation.
are you sure we aren't related? ireland is a very small island, don't you know....
Ireland is small and my family is big. Anything is possible ...
Mr. Yenny coming back to the tournament worries no one in the ranks of senior management. It is well known that despite all the distractions he has a considerable amount of respect for the tournament. Kind of the same type one would show a high class hooker. It is only the Blue that should be concerned. They should be well advised to keep a respectable distance in the event (dare I say) there should be any "encore performance".
Capt. Queeg
As a proud member of The Blue we welcome Mr Y and his lawless behavior back to the annual events. I am sure the years away have mellowed his wicked ways. Or perhaps he has spent the years developing a tolerance for the bad-mayo and yeast fermantation combo he so dearly loves.
In any event, bring it on Mr Y! I suggest as door prizes Clark Bros may want to hand out barf bags this year. The belly-deep sound from gold team members may just be the result of a solid drubbing at the hands of The Blue.
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